Reading is fun!

Here Nathan is almost 8 months, and I feel like lately he is really surprising me with what he can do.  I read him a story before every nap.  His favorite is Eating the Alphabet by Lois Ehlert and I always read it in addition to a new book or two.  I feel like I know that thing by heart: "Apricot, Artichoke, Apple, Asparagus..." But the past couple of weeks when I open the book Nathan bursts into smiles like he is seeing an old friend.  We don't always make it through the book if he is very cranky, but I at least read the first couple of pages.

Then the most amazing thing happened.  We were reading a touch and feel board book. And normally I take his hand and clumsily force him to stroke the page.  But when I turned the page, I stroked it then he stroked it on his own. In the right spot! Now he reaches out to touch it wihtout any prompting.  I think he's got the hang of this thing.

The lady across the way

So I am getting out of the car from picking up Josh from the metra and I see the lady across the way.  I've seen that she also has a stroller and a bumpkin Nathan's age. And I know she's seen me.  But for some reason she was watching us out her window with her baby. It was bizarre.  Should I have waved?  Would that have meant I was looking in her window?  I mean it was night time and she had her lights on, she knew I saw her. And she was looking right at us!

 I know that she stays at home like I do.  Is she lonely and in need of a friend? Or is she a creepy people watcher.  Am I projecting here?  Haha!

7 months old

Oh Nathan where does the time go? Here you are, already past a half year old. Closer to being my little boy than you were my little baby.

The screaming has stopped (it turns out you do that when overtired) and the raspberries have given way to new sounds. You make this soft little high pitched growling noise. Lots of melodic cooing. The Gah sound, the Kah sound. And still lots of coo'ing.

You don't like to be held as much, you want to be down on the floor or reaching for something. You play really nice now on your own for up to 20 minutes. Especially after a nap and meal. You like to move toys from hand to hand and really get a good look, feel and taste.



We've been eating food! You aren't sure about this, but about halfway through the meal you start to really chow down and bang your hand. We've had carrots, peas, sweet potatoes, rice, pears, prunes, squash, turkey, chicken all purees.

Holiday cards

We have never sent out Christmas cards before. And I will be honest that it’s not about being lazy, more like time management. Such in, oh is Christmas next week?  Really?!  And it’s not like getting the dozen or so holiday cards from family and friends isn’t a reminder. In fact, I’ve held onto these envelopes for years to keep the address for the next year.


Now that I have baby bot, I feel like, what better way to show off his robotic mug than with a photo card. Thank goodness I stumbled onto Shutterfly. There are so many to choose from, I'm almost certain I will get caught in a loop of indecision.


Just picture replacing this perfectly cute baby with Nathan.

And then imagine getting it in your mailbox.  It's like Nathan came to visit!
They have tons of Chirstmas Cards and Holiday Cards too. Because lets face it, this is my first time at the rodeo, and I can totally see a Happy New Year's card because I missed the 25th again. 



Happy holidays!!

Nathan said "Ba"

 The past month and a half he has been blowing raspberries like it is his job to shower the world. Sometimes cute (especially if you ask him a question and he times the blow right) and sometimes annoying (baby spit everywhere can get a little old). Yesterday, he started to do a raspberry, but stopped short. And it made a "b" sound. He looked quite perplexed, and he did it again, kinda wondering himself why he didn't decide to blow that "b" sound out into a full lipped waterboat. I laughed and cheered, my mouth hurt I was grinning so much. Then he laughed and smiled real big as he practiced his "ba"s

I realize this is such a small thing. I do. But why did it fill me up with such joy? The sleepless nights, and the fussiness and the exhaustion of being his everything suddenly compressed into this singularity: This was why I am here with him every day. So that I could soak in every single amazing thing that he does and not miss a beat. So that we could SHARE these moments together and experience the fruits of our bond.

Then I thought, holy crap, this is just the beginning. Just imagine how I will shit my pants when he says his first word.

Nathan 5 months

I can't believe you are going to be six months next week. Where did the time go? They say months 3-8 is the golden age of babyhood. You are smiling and laughing and interactive, yet you are not yet on the move. I wish I could slow down time.

I'm feeling more confident. I hold you in one arm or on my hip. We go lots of places, the post office, the thrift store, grocery shopping, the library. And everywhere you go, people stop to tell you how cute you are. Your eyes (still blue) and your hair are your best features. People say you look like a doll and that you will break hearts. Honestly I feel quite homely compared to you with my glasses and my hair pulled back. I wish I looked as pretty as you.

You have slept horribly since we've moved you to the crib. Since 4 months, you've been up all night. Last night you were up every hour. Sometimes you needed a reassuring pat, or your stuffed animal readjusted. But most of the time you wake up yelling because your belly is full of gas. I wish you could just fart already. I pump your legs and everything, but you just strain and yell. I know you aren't feeling well, but I do miss when you'd only wake up once or twice a night.

You can sit up, but you still topple so I prop you up. I love the look of concentration on your face when you play with your toys. And boy are you getting a sense of humor. You laugh when I laugh but sometimes inappropriately. Like that time I was moaning in pain from spraining my thigh muscle, it made you giggle.

You've discovered how to scream when you are angry/tired/bored. It makes my eye twitch I cannot stand it. Please stop.

Every day you do something new, and it is amazing. You are hitting every milestone. My favorite new thing is when I pick you up, your little arm wraps around my neck.

Nathan, let me just sit you here for a second..

Going...

Going.....

Gone!!

4 months to 4 1/2 months

4 months

I can't remember the first day he reached from something. But now he does. He doesn't laugh too often, but it will be out of the blue. Like a weird face and sound I make will get him to make the open mouth "huh, huh". or just one HUH. The kisses on the sides of his stomach get the giggles. They still sound kinda throaty. Just a couple weeks ago he started batting at the cup that I use pour water on him during bathtime. NOw he grabs it, and I almost accidentally water boarded him yesterday. He had some sleepless nights. And some trouble going down, but the past two nights he slept through from like 10 to 7:45. It was nice! Today we took our first morning walk. He really loves being outdoors, just looking around.

Update
Nathan is over halfway through his fourth month. I can't believe how big he is getting.

He is a chubby giggly baby. Honestly, he is his father's son. Loves being outside. He could be fussy and crying in the living room and if you just step outside he gets quiet immediately. I find myself constantly out and about with him. Plus a fussy baby in Target is a lot more interesting then a fussy one in the nursery. We are trying to get into routine now that I am not working. Ideally it would look like this:

Wake at 7:30am
Nurse, diaper change, play on my lap/read story (i.e I don't fee like getting up out of the chair)
8:00am I put him in the sling and walk with him cleaning up and making breakfast
8:30 - 9 I check email and poke around on the internet while I eat. As soon as he starts to fuss in his bouncy seat..he goes back into the sling and we take charlie for a walk..
9:30 -Come home change diaper, nurse and try and get him down for a nap. This can take 20 min or an hour.
After supposed nap its about 11:20, we play while I get ready for our outing.
12:30 - 2:00 I try to be out the house. Running errands like the grocery story, post office, target. Sometimes we will walk the mall. I try my best not to buy anything.
2:30 - home for nursing, change diaper. Try for afternoon nap. If he doesn't go down by 3:30 he is a fuss monsters so I say, let's get out of here, and we go to the library and get home around 4.
Nurse and play and wait for josh to get home.

Some days he will cry all day long and will fight the sling, will fight the naps, will fight the boob, refuses to be put down. Some days he will have two or three 30min cat naps so there really isn't a break since half of that nap was while nursing. Some days he will be a perfect ball of smiles and sunshine. Occasionally he will have two 2 hour naps. Some days I think that if this was a job I would put in my 2 weeks notice. Other days we stick to the schedule, or will have lunch with a friend and I still have stuff I want to do with him before josh gets home. But most days I chuck him at his father the moment he enters the room.

Birth Story part 4 - Nathan arrives

I swear I didn't intend for this story to be dragged out over months. You can click the tag "birth story" at the bottom of this post to see them all together. This last one I left out a few minor (graphic) details. If you want the unedited version let me know. Oh, and yeah, there are no more suitable pictures of me from this point forward.

(water just broke 40 minutes ago)
4:35pm (25 minutes before birth)
Another vivid memory. I have my hands and arms clasped around josh’s neck during a contraction when all of a sudden I bear down a little with it. I shout “I’m pushing!!” Our midwife checks me and I am complete at 10cm with a small prosterior “lip” of cervix which she holds back during some pushing. I’m excited, optimistic and happy until suddenly things go very wrong. During that contraction baby’s heart tones drop and the midwife suggests that I get on my hands and knees. Suddenly an oxygen mask is put in front of my face. Them midwife tells me she’s going to put in an internal monitor because she is having trouble finding baby’s heartbeat. I’m facing the wall with my knees on the bed and my arms draped over the back of the bed. I can only hear what is happening.

Midwife “Call doctor Isabell” I can’t believe that it’s gotten to this point, I hate this doctor

Midwife “Stefanie, let’s try to get this baby out before he gets here ” So starts the purple pushing. “Take a deep breath hold and PUSH PUSH PUSH, another deep breath and PUUUUSH!”

Midwife “Get the doctor on call” A stranger enters the room and immediately puts his hand inside me without saying anything. He says “He’s prosterior” Me: I knew it!! I feel the distinct sensation of baby’s head being turned.

Nurse: "Do you want her to turn on her back?” Midwife: “Do you want her to turn over?”Doctor: “No, this is the optimal position to give birth”
I peak behind me and see that the people in the room have doubled, josh and our doula have their faces inches from mine encouraging me.

Doula: “Stefanie it’s time to get this baby out. Give it everything have” So I push as hard as I can. Things have spiraled out of control.

Midwife: “He’s crowning” Someone: “He’s got hair” I feel the ring of fire and I welcome the pain, because it means he’s coming. I need to get my baby out now. I let out a loud harsh throaty scream and decide to try my best to tear, because I can’t hold back. The pain is nothing. If something goes wrong I don’t want to say I was too scared to push through the pain as hard as I could. I’m giving my baby EVERYTHING I have.

Midwife: “The head’s out” OMG I did it! I know from a bazillion birth videos that the rest of the body is cake. A few more pushes with the next contraction and he’s out.

Someone: “It’s a boy” Nathan gives a little cry and then silence.

Nathan is born at 5:03pm.

I am weak and shaky as I turn over. I don’t see my baby. There is no one there. I’m disoriented. I look over at a huddle of nurses at the warmer. I tell Josh to go to our baby. Our doula takes a picture of Nathan and shows me on the camera. I’m completely numb until I’m sure he’s okay. After a few minutes, Nathan comes over and is put on my chest skin to skin. I always imagined this moment. But things are still not calm. My legs are in stirrups to repair a tear, I’m given a bag of pitocin and some nurse is painfully pressing on my stomach. I’m shaking uncontrollably and I ask someone to lift Nathan up a little so I can see his face. He is perfect. They say newborns have all these physical weird things, but his face is as smooth and peaceful as a little angel. I didn’t even think about the weight of him in my dreams. He’s heavy! After I’m all stitched up, and I nurse him right then.





Josh: So stef was pushing and this was the first time where she was making more noise. She probably screamed at three contractions during all of the pushing. I was on one side of Stef and the doula was on the other side. And when she would have a contraction, she would try to make higher pitched noises, and I had read that a loose jaw is important and making low noises relaxes your body, so I was chanting looooow. And it would help Stef, and she would change to a lower pitch.
And then at some point, I heard the midwife tell the nurse to get Dr. Isabel to come over. Which alarmed me. But I was still in the moment with Stef. And then a minute later since Dr. Isabel was going to take 15 minutes then it was the closest doctor to come in. That scared me but we still went through with the contractions. Then the midwife told us that the heartrate was lower than she would like it to be and it wasn’t coming back up after the contractions so that’s why she called the doctor. And then, I remember looking up and the number of people in the room had doubled, and now there was a new doctor here putting on gloves and checking stef out. And it was a really crazy situation, so I was still up by stef’s head and she was on all fours. And the doctor during one of the contractions reached in and helped twist the baby. That seem like a good move that stef didn’t even seem to feel. At this point every contraction that stef had everyone was yelling push push push push, which was not what we wanted at our birth. But in retrospect that what was needed because we needed to get the baby out as soon as possible.

The whole time I wasn’t looking at stef’s face I was looking at the doctor, and no one was saying too much to me which was frustrating, but then at one point the doc caught my eye and saw the scared look on my face and he talked about what was happening and said the cord was short and as the baby is being pushed out the cord was being stretched and not getting oxygen to the baby. This was the time when it wasn’t calm at all anymore, just all out craziness. I also remember thinking that it was moving really slowly, but I guess this was between contractions. Also the doctor, kept a calm tone by announcing educational pointers as he worked. One of them being, when one of the nurses asked if stef should get on her back and he said “no the hands and knees position is the widest and best for giving birth” There was another line where he said “if stef was on an epidural she would have to be on her back which would make it more difficult.”

Ultimately the pushing did not go on for very long, we did hear “oh you could see the head”, and “he’s got hair.” Which I reiterated to stef. After one of the pushes he came out. And they asked if Dad wanted to cut the cord. I knew at this point things were more of an emergency in the final moments, but I still wanted to bring things up that we had originally wanted to have them shoot it down rather than not bring them up. I turned to the midwife and said “we can’t let it pulse” and she said no unfortunately we have to make sure he’s okay. So I immediately cut the cord, and then two nurses took the baby over to the warmer on the other side of the room. I asked the midwife “we can’t have the baby on stef’s chest?” And they said we have to make sure he’s okay. So he was 6 to 8 feet away, and stef pointed out that I could be there with him. As I was over there one of the nurses was on the phone with the NICU and that they have to be ready for him. That was my first moment of real doom and gloom. Even when the doctor came in, I always thought things were going to be okay, but after he came out and they were rubbing him down, it sort of hit me that things may be bad.

So I was over there with him, and the two nurses rubbed him down vigorously and took his pulse. Before I knew it, (a few minutes? ) the whole attitude changed and they wrapped him up and said, let’s go over to mom, and the storm had ended and everything started to get calm again. As they were bringing the baby over to stef, the doctor who had come in intercepted me and said congratulations, but I could barely even see him because my eyes were welled up with tears. I said thank you and he had a smile on his face and I knew everything was fine and baby was fine and we had made it through this thing. I went over to stef and kissed her and cried happy tears.
Besides the last 20 minutes of the birth and the first few minutes after the birth, that was the crazy time but besides that it was calm. So the baby was put on stef’s chest, and they still had some stuff to do with stef, but all in all it was nice from my perspective. I remember the nurse said, anytime we are ready she can take his weight, and I looked at the clock and I saw it had already an hour and ten minutes from the birth. So they got his height and weight.

It was all still surreal for me until we got to the post partum room. He seemed like a great kid, and I was so happy he came out safely and he came out alert and perfect. I was so ecstatic that stef was able to do it and the three of us were a family.

Final Thoughts Josh:
I think the birth, that stef did such a great job, a magnificent 2 days. Besides the last half hour surrounding the actual birth where it was pretty crazy, all the rest of the 2 days were perfect and I couldn’t ask for anything more. Going natural def. paid off. From my perspective, until stef’s water broke which was not too long before the pushing, I never perceived stef as anywhere close to needing any drugs. It seemed like she was kicking ass the whole time. And by the time her water broke and with the pushing, once those two things happened at the end, everyone was pointing out that it was a great thing she wasn’t on drugs because she was able to push so much faster and so much more efficiently than most moms. And being able to walk and change positions was def. the name of the game the two days. If you were confined to a bed, stef would have needed some drugs. Moving was the ticket. It was just a beautiful thing. I’m so happy that stef was able to do it and produce our son. And really it was an experience like no other in life.

The hardest time, besides the final hour before Nathan was born where things were intense, the most difficult time was the previous night between 1am and 3am. And I think that was because we felt alone, and we didn’t know what was going on and we didn’t have support besides telephone calls with the doula and midwife. The unknown. And soon after the doula came and then the midwife added another experienced woman, and so they were there, we didn’t have to worry about stuff and just be in the moment.

Final thoughts Stef:
Later I would find out that the doctor on call spent the last 18 years on a mission in the Congo. He was the perfect man to bring our child into the world. Not getting the epidural allowed me to deliver in a way that my pelvis was the most open. Having an experienced doctor be able to turn the baby so quickly, and also allow me to birth on my hands and knees, AND not cut an episiotomy was a trifecta of miracles. All of these things I am thankful for. I wouldn’t have torn at all except Nathan decided to have his fist near his head. Everything happened very quickly. From the first push to the last it was 20 minutes.

Update on the shudder/spasm

Update:
We got a call back from the doctor. She is doing a wait and see approach. If it does happen again, we will bring him in for a brain scan to see what the damge is.

Essentially, many signs are good. Nathan is acting normally, and he hasn't had it happen for five whole days now. The doctor said that if he does it again I can determine if it is a seizure by trying to shake him out of it. If I pick him up and he stops, then it isn't a seizure.

I am hoping that it is just nothing. A part of me says, it was nothing. But there is the gnawing in the back of my mind that says that what I saw WAS a spasm and that it will happen again and will be something serious. But hopefully that worry is normal, and doesn't mean anything.

This morning, I had my doctor's appointment, and I was going to stop at Mcdonalds for an egg and cheese biscuit. Mmmmm, I only had five minutes until breakfast was over! But I heard Nathan fussing back there and I knew waiting the drive thru would kill him. So I said "We don't need that junk anyway, do we Nathan?" and got on the highway so he could sleep. My heart swelled with love. I would do anything for this kiddo, even give up that warm buttery flakey biscuit...mmmmm.

That thing Nathan did on Tuesday

I had my first mommy freak out yesterday. And when I say freak out, I mean I seriously freaked the f*ck out. So the other day, Nathan had what looked like a rhythmic spasm. Almost like a little seizure. He had his arms to his sides, and he squeezed his fists and reacted like someone poured water down his back. He did this rhythmically three or four times. Now, priding myself on not being a freak out mommy, I said, "oh babies, so cute with their little twitches." I mentioned it to josh.

Well a couple days later, I thought well let me google this. I typed in "infant spasms" and wouldn't you know it, there were some videos that looked like what he did.


They also said infant spasms tend to start at around 4 months (Nathan is four months). Immediately my stomach lurched and I felt like I had to vomit as I read on that the prognosis for these kids was mental retardation, autism and if we are lucky to be in 10 percent of good outcomes we will have only mild impairment. I shat my pants. My hands shook as I googled website after website waiting for someone to say, "oh most of the time it's normal or nothing to be concerned about." No they all said our baby was shit up the creek. I called josh down, had him watch the youtube videos, he ran upstairs to do his own research. An hour later, I'm frantic. It felt like our life we had imagined for our boy was over.

So we are sitting on the couch. Talking about the implications. Should we wake him up and go to the ER now? Will he only have mild impairment? We tell each other that we will love him no matter what. Josh has me lay down and reinact what Nathan did. I said, it was almost like a chill or a shudder. So then I google Infant shudder. And would you believe it, those videos were a better match for what he did. Apparently they will shudder if they have reflux or even when they are peeing. It is commonly mistaken for a seizure in fact.

Here you can see the shudder at 12 seconds



You can see the shudder at 6 seconds


I'm still freaked out. He "shuddered" several times in a row like a seizure, but he didn't flail out his arms and bring them in close like a seizure. And then there are videos where the seizure is mild too. I wish I could find someone to say that you could shudder rhythmically, but so far they seem to be singletons. And now I'm starting to get confused on what I saw completely because of the videos. I'm going to call the doctor today. I want her to tell me it is nothing and we have a laugh.

Birth Story part 3 -Laboring and transition at the hospital

10:20-12:45

Stef: The next hour me, josh, doula and midwife walk the halls. I go about 20 feet and have to lean on the rail on the wall, just like on tv! Everyone goes quiet during my contractions, and when it is over, magically water is presented to me and we push on. I’m moaning in the hallways. Nurses are smiling and cheering me on. I ask our midwife, “Where is everyone?!” I thought I ‘d be passing people like me. She said “Oh honey they are all hooked up on their spinal blocks” And sure enough I’d walk pass open door of women laying in bed watching tv, chatting with relatives. Hours from now I will be envying them.

Josh: When we entered the room, it was huge and there were tons of chairs. It was really comfortable. I remember that stef sat in one of the chairs once we entered the room while I was putting the bags down. And she told me later that the hospital bed takes too much importance in the birthing room, and she established right away that she planned to be out and about and not strapped in the bed, and I thought that was really cool.




Soon enough, they got stef onto the bed for 20 minutes of questioning and getting statistics (blood pressure, baby’s heartbeat) that wasn’t too bad until she had to get the saline well. It was tough because it seemed painful, but the nurse seemed to be sincere and stopped when she knew it was not going right and was right to get another nurse. It seemed like the nurse was doing her best.
Actually before that stuff, I guess back when stef was sitting in the chair and I was unloading the bags. The nurse was in there and introduced herself and I immediately gave her a copy of our birthplan and told her we were going for a natural birth and let me know if she had any questions and she was happy to take that and listen to me. While stef was getting her vitals checked during that 20 minutes there was another nurse coming in and out. She was at the computer and doing some papers and never looked any of us in the eye or told us anything about herself. In our birthing class we had learned to not let that happen. People coming in and out of the labor room should be required to tell us what there are doing and who they are because that gives us more equal footing. It takes the institution out, because it is dehumanizing for us to have people coming into our space and not paying attention to us. After about a min. of her clicking on the computer next to Stef’s bed I ask” Are you going to be helping us out today as well?” And she looked like a deer in headlights. She wasn’t expecting me to ask that, so she said in sort of a terse tone “I’m just uh, getting things together here” Or something like that. I was like oh, okay. And it was interesting because about a minute later she asked the nice nurse if there was anything else that she needed and then left for good. Maybe I didn’t need to say anything but it was frustrating having her open up medical supplies and shuffling papers around and not paying attention to us at all. And I think the nice nurse respected that and understood where I was coming from.
As we were walking the halls we had a big cup of water with a straw that me and the doula kept putting into stef’s face to keep her hydrated. It was second nature to me because I was used to keeping stef hydrated during pregnancy.

12:45pm- 3:00pm

Stef

At this point my contrax are getting stronger and Emily and our doula suggest I get into the shower and spend some time with josh. I hate going to the bathroom, basically because it means I have to change positions a lot, getting up, sitting on the loo, standing up again would always rip contractions through me. The shower feels good, and I’m swaying my hips in a hula hoop circle. I’m leaning against the wall. I’m starting to get tired now. I also feel like I have to poop. Which is not unusual for me. Yesterday in early labor, I probably poo’ed 4 times (hey this is birth here! It’s all going to be TMI!). But I don’t want to be interrupted with having to be monitored so I send josh out to inform them that I need five minutes alone. Josh is gone for a second before the midwife busts in with a smile on her face saying “So you’re feeling rectal pressure! Let’s check you.” It turns out that I am now 7-8 cm 80 percent effaced and -1 station. Everyone cheers! My doula says “We didn’t even see six!”


I’m so pleased to be making progress, but getting anxious on how long this is going to take. At 2:15 its time for the tub. As soon as I step one foot in the tub I have to pee. Alone in the bathroom, I begin to ask “who would do this?!” I take a moment to remind myself to never ever do this again. In retrospect, I noticed that I hit my low morale points whenever I was alone. Having all those people in the room with me made the difference. Never once did I want drugs in the process. I was in too deep, and made too many promises to myself, I knew that this is what I wanted. But in that bathroom I thought simply “next time I’m getting the epidural!” So far I had been joking and laughing between contractions, but now, I have to completely focus on the breaks between.
I lie in the tub, and it is heaven. The contractions are still running through me and I feel tears running down my face. It is so painful and intense. Before another one starts I start to say “No, no, no!” Or sometimes I would be braver and say “okay here we go.” When it was over I would say “that was a tough one.” One piece of advice besides taking a complete break between the contractions, was that when the contraction was mostly over, I would “breathe it away”. I sit up cross legged in the tub and the doula is in my face helping me breath through them. Sometimes my voice would get high and they would remind me to make low sounds. Josh wipes tears from my face and I tell him that I’m scared. I’m worried how harder this is going to get, that I can’t handle it getting worse and that I can’t imagine having to push him out. It seems so impossible. They all remind me that I have been doing it and I am doing it. At this point the new assistant midwife in training comes in to observe. Everything is really quiet, peaceful as I labor in the tub.

Josh: The shower was a really great help to Stef. And it was also a nice thing to revisit since the shower in the early morning at home got cut off because the water got cold. So it was a good move. At this point Stef and I were still talking between contractions and I was tyring to keep things light hearted and make some jokes because I heard laughter can help progress. When I left to see if it was time to get the h/b checked again since it was planned every 30 mins, since stef didn’t want to hold them up using the bathroom. I went outside they were all ready to take the heartbeat, and when I said “stef had to go to the bathroom”, the midwife’s eyes perked up and said that it means that she might be having the baby and didn’t have to poop. They got stef out the shower and checked her and it was more great news that progress was being made, and then I think we tried a few different sitting positions and someone asked if we wanted to use the tub. Stef and I had wanted to use that because we heard that could be a great tool. So the midwife got that ready with the water. Stef got into the tub, and then as they were getting that together, someone asked me if I wanted to get into too. I made a joke that this was an opportunity that doesn’t come along all the time. I got in my trunks, and I whipped my shirt off because I thought I would be submerged in the water, but I was just on a seat where I was just up to my thighs. But stef enjoyed having me close. And for a good amount of time in the tub, stef wasn’t crying, her eyes were watery with tears. We poured water on her belly and talking her through it. The whole time whether it was in the shower or in the tub or anything up to this point, Stefanie handled everything like a champ. So from my perspective I could tell that things were getting more and more intense, especially in the tub. But still incredibly calm. While stef was having a contraction in the tub she didn’t scream but instead would maybe breath a little harder during the contractions. But it was all very peaceful and calm. Another point was that this entire time, I still had no concept of the timeline, I knew in the shower things were progressing, I knew things were moving forward, but I didn’t know if it was going to be another hour or another ten hours. I had no concept at all. On top of that, time didn’t have the same meaning. And stef asked me later, what was I doing while she was having contractions? I was basically looking at her face even though she had her eyes closed and just sorta being in the zone with her. I never thought this is going on forever, or when is the next part coming, I felt like I was very much in the moment with Stef. Two hours would feel like 15 minutes.

3:30
I’m checked and I’m at 8-9cm. I’m happy to know that I was in transition when I felt the fear and doubt. I know that was normal, I’m almost there. But in reality I have such tunnel vision. I ask our doula how much longer. And she said it could still be 2 hours. My midwife says that at this point exhaustion could be an issue. She makes three suggestions, 1. I can labor on my own, 2, she can break my water or 3, I can take some pain medication. I feel like the record player skips in my head. I cannot believe my midwife offered me drugs. But she went on to say that at this point exhaustion might make the next stage tough. Whatever, so not taking drugs. If I wanted drugs I would have asked for them long ago. There is no way I am going to have all these intense contractions under my belt to give in at the last minute. The midwife gives us a little time on our own to think about whether or not we want to break my water. On the one hand it could get things moving, but on the other hand if the baby is in a prosterior position then he will be difficult to turn once his head is pressed against the cervix.

Josh:We got out of the tub, and stef was checked and it was more great news on progress. We were moving around in different positions then. I still had no concept of the timeline, I was in the moment, so I was surprised that the midwife had an update on the options, with the water breaking or with the drugs. I was confused because it seemed like things were going well, and I guess her point was the exhaustion issue. I was really annoyed with the pain medication recommendation, and she knew we would ask if Stef wanted it. I was also annoyed with them talking exhaustion. Because if it was up to us, stef would be eating at will and with hospital polices we couldn’t do that. And we thought it was implied that the midwife would leave the room and let you eat, but she was there the whole time. But to me, Stef did not seem exhausted, it seemed she was handling every one as good as the last.

Stef Note: In retrospect, the midwife did leave the room right after talking about our options, but we didn’t think to eat!!

3:55p

I’m laying on my side with one leg in the stir-up and crazily I doze off between a contraction. It is the shittiest feeling in the world to wake up to one. When the contraction ends, all of a sudden I feel this pop and water just gushes out of me. I gasp and say “I think my water just broke” I’m smiling like crazy because it is so like on tv and how ironic it breaks minutes after our midwife wants to rupture them artificially. This next part is what will always stick in my head. I’m smiling and telling josh about it, and suddenly I get my first contraction with baby’s head right there on my cervix. It catches me totally off guard, it knocks the wind out of me and I just start yelling out of control. Our doula runs out to get the midwife. I don’t remember much of the next half hour. I do know that I have a cut on my hand from flailing my arms. I remember grabbing josh’s face and ears and burying my face in his shoulder with each contraction.

Josh: We didn’t feel comfortable breaking the water, and we at least had to discuss it. It was almost like a cosmic occurrence that once the midwife and her assistant left, and we were discussing options, Stef made a motion and a sound like she was pinched, and it was like “oh, my water just broke” It was almost like the decision was made for us by nature. Once the water broke the midwife came back in, that sort of began a new phase. You could def. tell the intensity with stef dealing with the contractions. After her water broke, stef still handled them extremely well with some that were a little tough with more noise, but this was the first time, because even throughout the whole pregnancy, stef made it look easy. And this was the first time were things seemed really really intense and she had to deal with it.



Next: Pushing baby out.

Birth Story Part 2 - Doula arrives

12:00-12:30am Wednesday night (17 hours before the birth)
Josh:We had a midnight snack. Some leftovers some water, some toast and fruit.

1:00am -3am
Josh sneaks off to call our doula Jenn. The only manageable position is on my knees lying over the birthing ball. Between contractions I would just go limp. I really wanted Josh to time them. It helped me focus knowing how long they were. Plus at this point some were really intense and some were just plain monsters. I had josh write a star next to those.

Josh: This was the toughest time. I think throughout the day I was confused about the contractions, because they clearly started earlier in the day when things were more relaxed they were 8-10 minutes apart, but then they were 4, and here they were 2-3 minutes apart, and I thought this was a direct correlation for the birth happening in a matter of hours. That was one thought I was mistaken about. But then also, I didn’t want to introduce the doula in to the house too soon, for her sake and also I thought it would be more of annoyance to have her here without anything for her to do. But, we clearly hit the point where we could use her help and to help stef get through these things. I basically called the doula and told her to come in when she could, and apologized it was the middle of the night. She said that was fine and she would take it slow and shower first. This was probably the darkest time of the labor. Stef was having trouble dealing with the contractions. She cried at one point, and I knew she could make it through , but I was confused about the timeline mostly. I was confused about the path that this was going to take and that was where I needed help from the doula. I lacked perspective on where this was going.


3:00am -5:00am
The doula arrives. I don’t register her presence. I can’t even manage the strength to look up at her or say hi. She comes over and holds my hand and rubs my back and shoulders. I instantly feel a sense of calming presence. She suggests me and Josh get into bed together and work through them having him comfort me. Looking back this was the darkest point of my labor. The intensity and the length and the not knowing when it will end. It was dark outside. There was nothing to do but just get through them, hour after hour.

Josh: As we approached 3am I was annoyed that the doula was not here yet. I went ahead and called the midwife (the answering service) and when I spoke to Emily, it actually coincided with the knock on the door from the doula, so I gave a quick update on where we were on the midwife and she wanted to talk to the doula so she could get the doula’s perspective. So after we got off the phone, the doula helped by talking to Stefanie and the doula suggested we try to rest still and we didn’t get any rest, but we dealt with the next two hours of contractions in bed. Really the doula’s input at this point didn’t do much but reassure us to keep doing what we’re doing vs run off to the hospital which is what I thought was the next step. She perceived us still okay to labor at home which was the major role that we asked her to provide.


5:00am -5:30
I tell josh that I think it is time to go to the hospital. I wasn’t sure what was driving this thought. They say you will know when to go. It’s not like the pain would stop there, it was more like, I can’t keep this up HERE. “Here” being in this stupid bedroom being pummeled with contractions for the last 7 hours. I needed something to change I think. Jenn comes upstairs (she had been resting on the couch). I’m feeling frustrated. Where’s the baby already?! I have a scheduled appointment with our other midwife Becky at 8am. Jenn suggests that instead of going to the hospital I could go to my appointment and get my cervix checked there. I see 3 horrible hours ahead of me. In my mind, this seems like impossible nonsense. WTF?! Three hours is an eternity, I can’t think that far ahead. And I don’t want to even contemplate three more hours of these contractions. Jenn decided that a nice warm shower would be the trick. It takes me forever to walk down the hall, I keep doubling over with contractions. Josh puts the birthing ball in the tub and I sit on it and let the water run on my back. Jenn brings up grapes and ice cold Gatorade. This was the morale boost that I needed. The birds were starting to sing. I had something sweet to eat. It was nice to get out of the bedroom. Even if the hot water ran out in 20 minutes.

Josh: Well I had known that the doula was resting on the couch, which was good because you know, I would feel weird if she was just hanging out with nothing to do when she might as well sleep. I felt bad like I called her too soon because I thought we were going to the hospital, but after she arrived she saw the situation was okay to be at home. I had thought that she would be meeting us at the hospital, my timeline was still way way off. At 5am, I went down to tell her that stef wanted to go to the hospital and that maybe she should come up. So she spoke to stef and we talked through some ideas and we decided to take it one step at a time and we said for stef to get into the shower. That worked out well, it was right on time, it was a turning point because the new day was starting and the night was ending.


Thursday Morning (12 hours before the birth)
5:30am- 8:20am
Stef: Sun’s coming up the birds are singing and I work through my contractions on my hands and knees downstairs. Josh puts on Futurama (my fav tv show), and I actually laugh at one point. Our doula puts a heat pack on my back to help with the back labor. I’m all but convinced this baby is prosterior (sunny side up in which the face is up and not down where the smallest part of the head is presented first), why else would this be taking so long? We decide to head over to the appointment with the midwife. The drive over was as horrible as expected, so in a way it wasn’t so bad. We were moving forward! In the back of my head I am really worried I will only be 2-3 centimeters. I need it to be 4 to be in active labor. All day yesterday and all last night I hadn’t had any bloody show. So I’m skeptical. I call my mom and sister for familiar voices and support.

Josh: I wanted to keep food in both of our bellies, so I was cutting up fresh fruit and Stef was drinking Gatorade and doing different positions. On the tv we tried a couple different shows, we tried “Life” and then put on futurama and at one point Stef just wanted the tv off. Before we knew it, it was time to go to the appointment. We had all of our bags packed, took our extra pillows and it seemed like a lot of stuff went into the car.


8:20- 10:15am
Stef:Success! I get checked and I am 4-5 cm, and stretchy! 80 percent effaced with a bulging bag of water. Everyone cheers (everyone being doula, midwife (becky), midwife’s assistant and josh)!! The baby looks good on the Doppler during the contrax. Becky turns to me and gives me a pep talk. She says that this is what I’ve worked for, this is something I can do! Because of the bag of water bulging out, she says that she can’t tell if baby is prosterior but that is out of our control, and I need to focus on what I can control. She was an army nurse for years, and I seriously felt like I was in boot camp for a moment. Another morale boost! We are off to the hospital with a tub room secured. As I leave I hear Becky tell our doula not to let me in the tub right away. That is our ace in the hole when the going gets tough. I call my mom and sister to let them know I am on the way to the hospital. We actually have to wait an hour for the room to be cleaned and we check into room #10 at 10:15

Josh: Everything went great at the appointment, we got seen right away, and there was great news at the check. For the first time, we had some clear information about how progress was going. Stef would pause during the appointment as contractions would come and everyone would talk her through it. And then the convo would go on as before. When we left there we knew we would get a tub room because someone was leaving it and we could take our time going to the hospital and so we stopped at McDonalds and met the doula in the lobby and ate and chatted. It was a great morning, sunny and warm and after our breakfast we headed upstairs to check into the room. A nurse took our information, which weren’t too bad but it did take 15 minutes or so and after that we thought we were going to go into the room but it still wasn’t ready, so we had to go into the waiting area for another 45 minutes. At first it was annoying but within a few minutes we settled into a corner with the birthball with the three of us in our own world helping stef through the contractions in the lobby.

In the hospital lobby

3 Month letter

Dear Nathan
Cool things that you’ve done
I’m pretty sure you had your first laugh on your 3 month birthday when I kissed and nuzzled your armpit (your dad said it sounded like a cough) But today was the best! Right before I left work, I said your favorite word “ah goo” while you were sitting in dad’s lap and your mouth busted open with a loud “ha!”

You are a champion nurser. I knew it the day you latched on your own when I wasn’t paying attention a couple weeks ago. I wish you didn’t kick your legs so much and twist to see everything. Today you twisted off to see your dad walk out the room. So I prefer it when you are sleepy. Your eyes roll in the back of your head your hand grabs tight to my shirt or onto my finger. I love how you smack your mouth around in anticipation. And god help me if I don’t get you there quick enough. We officially have the hang of this now even though by the time you read this you will think it is gross…

We’ve had you on a nice goodnight routine the past few weeks. First a nice warm bath, towel dry and goodnight kisses, then nursing and then I hand you to dad for him to patiently “walk” you to sleep. Your dad says that it is an act of endurance. Sometimes 10 minutes sometimes 30! The process takes about an hour to an hour and a half. We start the process around 8:30- 9pm. You love bathtime, so far no poops in the tub.

You’ve really found your voice. You yell and squeal and razz and blow spit bubbles. You yell when I’m not paying attention to you and smile when you see my face again. You love the itsy bitsy spider. But spiders scare mommy so I replace it with the Itsy Bitsy Nathan. All I have to do is start with “The” and you smile in anticipation of the rest of the song. I sing to you to get you to stop fussing. You also like it when you “stand” on my lap.

You ‘re obsessed with sucking on your hands and fingers. Sometimes it keeps you awake. You now will hold on to something when I place it to your hand. You like to put things in your mouth, but I really think you are just putting your hand in your mouth as usual and you get a nice surprise with something is in them (like that burp cloth or bib). You can’t go to sleep on your own yet without being rocked or “walked” or nursed down.

Ugh Reflux! It hurts you badly, when you are arch your back and cry and I hear the wet burps. We set you upright for at least 20 minutes after you eat which helps immensely. When stinks because I finally figured out how to nurse you laying down. BOO!

Oh and loud noises are scary now. The dog barked and your lower lip trembled and you started to cry. I swoop you up and you are instantly soothed. Although that one time when there was a knock on the door AND the dog barked, you cried for a good five minutes in my arms. You’ll get used to Charlie, he’s that thing that licks your feet.


I’m getting to know you better. I know when you are tired, or bored. I know when you are hungry or just need to suck. I know when you need to change positions. Although sometimes I’m still not sure. I sit you on my lap and look into your teary eyes and ask you softy “What’s the matter?” You seem to not be sure yourself, so I say, “Well, I’m here to help you get through it. You don’t ever have to cry alone sweet boy”

3 Months

My sweet sweet baby is now reaching up at my face when I cradle him. He is all quiet and staring and just so interested in my face.

Here is a pic.

Birth Story Part 1 - Early Labor

Josh co-wrote the brith story. He dictated them to me and I jotted it down. His parts are indicated.
Additionally, fair warning...it's birth!!! Messy and filled with a three letter word called TMI. But don't be a-scared!


Wednesday Morning 6:30am-

Stef: I feel Nathan’s head in my bladder, which I had thought early in that week were contractions and went to the bathroom. When I laid back down, I remember feeling a wave and a cramp. I thought: Hang on! I just peed is this a contraction? Let’s see what happens next. For the next 35 minutes , staring at the clock, I had this reoccurring cramp every 7 minutes. At this point I decided to wake josh. I said, “I think I’m having contractions”

Josh: I thought oh, my god this is it. And I’m not going to work today. I’m going to email my work and tell them I’m not coming in.


7:35am

Stef: I gave our birth doula Jenn a call. I wasn’t close to needing her to come over, but wanted to give her a heads up. I got my MP3 player and started listening to my Birthing Day Affirmations. I was feeling a little apprehensive. The contractions felt like my stomach getting hard and the hardening ending down low into a cramp and tightening a waistband around my lower back and tummy. Josh made me a couple eggs and toast, and I started to time them a bit on contractionmaster.com. They were coming every two to three min apart for like ten minutes. I called my midwife Emily, and she said for us to rest as much as possible. So we went to bed and I listened to my Deepening Track on Hypnobabies which notoriously puts me to sleep every time, this time being no exception. At this point we were anticipating our baby around 7pm Wed.

Josh: The key thing I was thinking about was what everyone was telling us, that you should just rest and that Stefanie should rest as much as possible. And the other thing was that we needed to eat, and protein was necessary, so I made the eggs and toast. So far everything was ideal.


11:00am-2:00pm

Still kinda having a lazy day. Sprinkled with tv, naps and hypnobabies. I’m starting to wonder when the show is going to get on the road. My contractions are about the same as they were all day. I’m also freaked out about the front room being messy. Josh cleans the front room and living room and the kitchen. I come down and feel good about bringing a baby into this clean house. We also put together the hospital bag last minute additions and get Charlie’s dog food packed into his bag. Nathan is still kicking me up a storm. He starts to kick right before a contraction hits. Emily calls us to check in. I ask her if I should go for a walk to get things going. She says that I just should rest because she can see this baby coming at like 3am! She was only off by 14 hours. She instructs me to call her if anything changes. I can’t help but feel she is canceling me out as a false labor girl. So I am determined to get things started. I figure midnight would be better than 3am so we take Charlie for a walk. We get about a half a block before I change my mind a turn back. The contractions aren’t getting any stronger and I’ve heard about women exhausting themselves. We have subway for lunch.



Josh: At this point in my mind we were going to have a baby at 11pm that night. Another thing that our birthing class taught me was that Stefanie would likely want to clean up extensively as we were going into labor and that I should stop her from doing so at all costs. What I should do would be to follow her direction and clean up, much to her delight. As for the walk… It was one of the most beautiful days of the year, sunny high of 60’s, so anytime spent outdoors was welcome.



4:00pm – 9:00pm

We go down for another nap. This was a nice one. Maybe too nice. I wake up and the contractions still aren’t any stronger. They woke me up several times, but mostly I was able to sleep. I get up, and get on the birthing ball and start bouncing. Josh puts on Howl’s Moving Castle. Our doula calls and suggests that we pack it in. We had haiku for dinner. At 9pm we set up a scrabble game in bed. I’m noticing that the contractions are picking up around that time.

Josh: The main thing in my mind was eating and drinking and sleeping as much as possible. I was surprised that things were slowing down. At this point I knew the labor was going longer than expected, but I still thought we’d have a baby at like 4am.

10:00pm – 12:00am
I can no longer concentrate on anything else but the contractions. We put away the game, and I try using some of my hypnobabies techniques. I try using my relaxation cue words: peace and release. I end up chanting/panting those over and over during contractions. We are still trying to “rest” in bed. And this is where officially, the going gets rough. I begin moaning through them, panting. We are timing them. They are coming every 2-3 min lasting a minute long. At this point I really feel like the baby is coming in a matter of hours. But I do remember reading that you don’t push until you are 1min apart between contractions. Most people would have gone to the hospital at this point. But I could barely move or think. I just had to go through these things. I had tunnel vision. I needed the lights to be out. I can’t really remember what josh was up to at this point. I know he was pushing for me to call the doula, but after a full day of nothing happening, I felt like it would be better to let her sleep.

Josh: We def. hit a new phase during our scrabble game in the bed. It’s like what we read about where the contrax aren’t something we can talk through or laugh about. They became intense and had to stop what we were doing when they were happening.

Next up part two - Active Labor

Nathan's Birth Story - Intro

Here I am posting this birth story to the blog which was written the week after the birth and reading it over it is amazing what I remember and what I don’t. For example, if I had to describe a contraction… it would be hard to say. It’s almost as if the moment of birthing is so in the NOW, that you can’t truly do it justice trying to recall it. It’s like trying to tell someone about a dream. You struggle for the right words to describe it, and in the end you come up short.

Still, some things stick out in my mind. I have to say that laboring without medication was the most beautiful and spiritual experience of my life. Feeling my body contract my uterus and open me up for birthing is such a rare and special feeling. I had never had such a connection with myself as a woman, as a mother, as a wife. I had never been more in touch with my instincts as a female mammal. While at times it was extremely intense, there was nothing foreign about the feeling. It was obvious that my body was made to do this, and when I let go of the doubt and fear, I found that I could just breathe through them and didn’t see the need for any intervention. But I didn’t do it alone. I shared this time with Josh, who was so supportive and had such a loving presence who believed in my ability to do this without question. He never left my side for a single minute of those 36 hours.

It wasn’t until I was in the post partum room with the lights low and no one in the room but me and josh and Nathan that I could finally drink in this new little person. I’m so excited to do it again.

The story is long so I will post in it parts.

2 months + 1week

Nathan's blue eyes are starting to change colors. In the direct sun, they are still slate blue. But in other lights they are khaki green, grey brown, all sorts of varieties of grey, blue, brown and green.

He discovered his hand a couple weeks ago. They are always in his mouth, yet he has trouble keeping it there so he is always frantically rooting at a fist. This has added a challenge as I am not sure if he is hungry or frustrated and just wants to suck.

He makes spit bubbles, yells "ah-goo!" He makes girlish screams too. I love the first smile in the morning. He's all "oh there you are, I thought I dreamt you up!"

He moved into the size 2 pamper's diapers. He could still squeeze into a size one, but they ran out and the 2's fit him fine.

He still hates the sling I bought for him. He honestly thinks I want to kill him.

Lately he has been pretty good at figuring out what is to be expected, and when it doesn't come he cries a bit. Like when he wakes up, he will make noises, and fuss a bit, and suddenly he's awake and wants to know why he isn't eating right this minute, so he will do this squeally type whine which if we don't move fast enough will become a cry. I like these cries, I know what he wants and can shut him up instantly.

He's still fussy at night, I hate that off and on whine. There are times where I sincerely wish he was a dog so I could just lock him in his crate. Often he is worse right before he passes out. It's like he decided "okay I'm done" (snore)

I got the back brace, and I can carry him for more than two minutes.

Every song can be converted to a lullaby. "Single Ladies" is now "Single Babies"

Ew? Nah!

Nathan gets eye boogers, regular boogers, spit bubbles, explosive poops, stinky pee diapers, goopy spit up....

But I am not slightly disgusted. I love to wash his face in the morning. I use the back of my hand to wipe his mouth. I sing when I change his diapers. I say "well look at THAT!" when he spits up big time. To me, his rhythmic farts sound like popcorn in the microwave.

Baby Nathan, you will never ruin my appetite. Thanks for not making me nauseous (anymore)

Why so serious?

One month photo shoot

So, we got these stickers to paste on his onesies month by month. But I couldn't get to this until he was five weeks. Oh well, you get the gist.

One month

It’s hard to believe it has been a month since Nathan was born. On the very first day we brought him home, I put down the carseat, and I asked myself “Now what?”
I didn’t want him to grow an ounce, not a single inch. I wanted him to stay just as he was because I couldn’t imagine him more perfect. I’m scared to see him grow and slip away from being my perfect baby. He had his first smile at 3 weeks. He was looking at my hairline as I sang and kissed him. Now at four weeks he looks into my eyes with an amused look and will turn up his mouth and smile. I talk to him and sing to him and kiss him so much just for a glimpse of that.

Dear Nathan
My favorite things you do:
The little repetitive sighs you make when nursing. And how patient you were waiting for me to figure it all out. You never fussed as long as you knew it was coming.
I love how just picking you up makes you stop crying. I can’t believe I am what you were looking for.
You are so genuine. Everything you do is honest and what you want to do at the moment.

Your milestones this month
You now kick your legs and flail your arms more. I say you are playing the drums.
I love how occasionally you let out this girlish squeal. You make a lot of sighing “aye” noises, but mainly you grunt grunt. Josh says you sound like a computer crashing.
I crack up when you fart and poop. I get immense satisfaction when you burp, especially when the air hits me on the neck.
So far you have never ever cried uncontrollably. You fuss and I change positions, walk you or see if you are hungry, but you never do that wailing for more than it takes for me to satisfy a specific need (pick you up, take you to nurse). And you give me plenty of warning before you go full open mouth cry. I really expected you to be harder to figure out.
I sing and talk to you a lot while changing your diaper. You love it up there.
Just last week you started following objects with your eyes. The first time I saw you stare at something with interest; you were in the swing looking up at the mobile. Now I want to show you so many things.
PANTS!! You cuteness factor increased by bazillion with this addition.
You have cubby cheeks now, and an extra fold in your arms.